The New Disclaimers

Disclaimers are a weird thing. They started anxiously. “Don’t jump into the lake over there; it looks deep but it’s really shallow.” Such information could literally save your life.

While I don’t know this for sure, I can pretty much surmise that greed made disclaimers what they are today. Greedy attorneys, and greedy plaintiffs.

The sad part is that we don’t even realize how much of a moron most of our cultural disclaimers assume we are. To gauge it properly, you have to carry the logic through to the end.

For instance, “Employees must wash their hands.” And I always want to finish it with, “But the rest of you, don’t worry about it. You’re only carrying the infant stages of the bubonic plague under your finger nails.”

Or this one I clipped off a piece of new clothing for Levi:

Good to know as I frequently hold my child as close as possible to the camp fire, the stove top, and pass him over candles for fun; fire retardant garments are essential for all Hopper activities.

The point is, disclaimers at their very core are incomplete and under-effective. Their creators try (and sadly must) do some critical thinking for us. But they can never replace common sense.

So I vote we replace all present disclaimers with new ones, like:

And finally:

Got any more to add to the list? ch: